Isolation introspection

I don’t do well with uncertainty.

As a result of post-traumatic stress I have a need to control my environment, due to my stomach condition I have a need to control my diet, and as a result of my muscular/skeletal/neurological oddities and reynauds syndrome I need to control my work schedule and ergonomics carefully. Also I’m in the final year of my PhD, which means a really tight controlled schedule.

So you begin to see how an interruption to my carefully crafted routines could make me go off the deep end.

I sank into despair at first. I couldn’t work, couldn’t get my special foods, and couldn’t gym to keep myself healthy and sane- my world felt upside down. But the worst was the lack of control – other people were clearly able to turn my life around and were actively limiting the activities I felt vital to my self-image and self-worth.

Thinking back to that I seem like a special snowflake in my reaction, but I’m sure many of you felt the same. A kneejerk reaction is – how does this affect me? And I am not unique in all my disorders, everyone struggles with similar issues to a lesser or greater extent. I’m not alone, and neither are you- I’m sharing my experience to reiterate that it is okay to not be okay and tell you that any situation can lead to greater good, if you let it.

So, the first thing I did when the reality of Covid-19 hit me was go outside, sink to my knees and weep. Really sob. I am human and I have feelings and that’s okay. I allowed myself to express my despair fully, to wallow in it with myself, until the tight black ball in my chest diminished. I fully recommend this, even if you feel stupid- shout and scream and stamp and hit (soft) things if you feel like it, your mind sometimes needs the physical outlet.

The next thing I did was count my blessings. I’m alive, healthy and have options for all my problems. It could be worse, I’m not in the trenches, there are no bombs, other generations have dealt with tremendously more disruption than we are currently facing and they got through.

Then I started to deal with things. One thing at a time, with absolutely no pressure. Absolutely none. I gave myself credit for just getting out of bed some days – I’m sure many people reading this will understand just how hard that is sometimes. But just keep breathing, get through this moment and the next and the next and it gets easier.

And I am doing just fine now, better in some ways even. It has really shown me exactly what I need to survive, not just what I felt I needed.

• I have tried new foods (only two made me ill so far!).
• Home workouts forced me to go running, which I had avoided before due to fear.
• I can work on a new aspect of my work that I didn’t think I would have time to explore.
• And I slowed down, calmed down and am reconnecting with my deepest self and with others.

So please, try to take the positives. Yes, I’m gutted that I cannot count my beetles like I wanted to nor build my models in the scheduled time; move into a lovely new house with my boyfriend, or get the tattoo I have been waiting a year for. But I can’t control that. You’ll have things you’re gutted about that you can’t control – let them go and take power over what you can control.

Seems like we are in this for a good while longer. Be kind to yourself. This is horrifically difficult – but you are doing great! Raise your head up, we can get through this and we can be better.